Staying Sober During The Holidays
The Christmas holiday season can be a very hard time for people who are early in recovery from substance abuse. For people who are still learning how to be free from using alcohol or other drugs, the holidays are full of hurdles they must clear to remain sober. Chances are we have spent dozens of Christmases in the past drinking or using other drugs to celebrate the holiday (or to dull the pain of the season). This means the season is full of triggers.
A trigger is an event that occurs that then creates an overwhelming urge to drink alcohol or use other drugs. A trigger can be:
Environmental. These might be sights, sounds smells, or textures that cause us to want to drink or use other drugs. For example, you are at a social gathering and suddenly smell the brandy wafting from someone’s glass.
External: These can be events or situations that occur outside of ourselves. This could be something like bumping into a favorite drinking buddy, getting an upsetting text, or seeing photos of our friends celebrating with drinks on social media.
Internal: These are thoughts or emotions that happen inside of us, like being sad, angry, hurt, bored, lonely, excited, or joyous.
It can be very helpful to avoid triggers, especially in early recovery. If possible, the first 90 days of recovery should be about avoiding triggers while making plans to deal with them when/if they are re-introduced. Think carefully about the triggers you can avoid. Consider:
Avoiding social media during the holidays.
Not walking down the liquor aisle when at the grocery store.
Carefully determining if you should go to Christmas parties.
Online shopping for Christmas presents instead of going out to the stores to shop.
You must put your sobriety first during the season. Remember, things won’t always be this hard, as you stabilize over time, you may be able to add some of these activities back into your life. If you want to remain sober and have a better life you will have to make some choices that can feel very difficult. We must give ourselves permission to do what we know is best for us. Our family and friends may or may not be supportive of the changes we are making. It is not our job to make them ok with our choices. Do what you need to do for yourself knowing that you are building a better life.
Many triggers we cannot control. We can’t choose what smells or sounds may come our way. We can’t control people we may bump into, or situations that may arise in the family, or at work. For example, an impromptu after-hours cocktail party may break out at the office. You didn’t see it coming, and suddenly you find yourself surrounded with co-workers enjoying drinks.
While you can’t control the situations that occur, you can control what you do when triggered. Part of your relapse prevention plan should be how to handle triggers. Some ideas are:
1. Phone a friend in recovery or someone who knows you are trying to remain sober. Sometimes talking through the trigger can resolve it.
2. Have a handy list of excuses ready to use as a reason to leave.
Please note: No one is promoting lying. However, it may not always be appropriate to say “I have to leave now because my sobriety is in jeopardy”. It’s not everyone’s business to know what we are doing with our personal lives. Using the excuse, “I need to leave, my son’s ride home from soccer fell through” may be much easier to say for us. Right now, it’s about sobriety being the number one priority.
3. Go to a private place and pray for your higher power’s help. During challenges, we may not have the strength or courage to do what we need to do. Counting on your higher power’s resources is necessary.
4. Write out a list of why you want to stay sober. Carry that list with you in our purse or wallet. When triggered take the list out and read it. Don’t just keep the list mentally, actually write it out or type it and print it. When you are triggered, your brain will work against you, and you will not be able to recall why you want to remain abstinent. Reading a list activates your pre-frontal cortex, which has gone offline when a trigger occurs.
5. Have a response prepared when people ask if you want a drink, or if they ask why you aren’t drinking. We can feel like a deer in headlights when asked these direct questions, having a quick response is important. My favorite in early recovery was “My body doesn’t respond well to alcohol.” I have heard other people say “I am allergic to alcohol”, or “Alcohol gives me terrible headaches”.
6. A saying in recovery groups is “Play the tape through to the end”. This means, following the chain of events in your mind as to what will happen if you decide to partake in alcohol or other substances. Our mind likes to lie to us and tell us it will be fun and nothing bad will happen. Take the time to honestly evaluate what will truthfully happen, such as, “If I start to drink, I will lose control, drink way too much, and get drunk. I will say and do stupid things that will embarrass me tomorrow and may even get me fired.”
A few words about holiday parties. If you are hosting a party, consider having it be alcohol-free. If your family or friends are gathering for a night of food, gifts, and games, try having those activities be the central focus instead of the drinking. This can seem very awkward the first time you do it without alcohol or other substances. However, you might be very surprised by how much fun it is to do things things sober! Planning a great menu and doing the food preparation, making some alcohol-free drinks (mocktails can be delicious and festive), decorating for the party, and having lots of fun games planned can be extremely rewarding and enjoyable. Be sure to let your guests know your party will be alcohol-free. You don’t want to feel awkward if they arrive expecting cocktails to be served.
If you are not able to make it an alcohol-free party, I do not recommend buying or preparing the drinks yourself. This might seem like an overly obvious statement, but your brain probably will lie to you and tell you that it’s okay for you to buy and prepare the alcohol. (See my article Addiction Talks To You In Your Own Voice). Instead, the best plan is to let your friends know you will provide non-alcoholic beverages, but they can bring their alcoholic beverages as long as they take them with them when they leave. Numerous relapses occur from preparing alcoholic beverages, or from alcoholic beverages from guests that are left behind. Avoid this pitfall! Also, best to avoid preparing food that requires alcohol for the recipe. Again, a relapse potential.
If you decide to attend a party that will have alcohol, please plan to drive yourself and do not offer to drive friends. People love to have a designated driver, and that’s a great plan, but not for someone in early sobriety. You will want to allow yourself an opportunity to use an excuse from your list to leave early if you find yourself having urges and cravings. You will be less likely to leave if you have friends who are counting on you for a ride home.
With some thoughtfulness and planning, you can get through the holiday season sober. I am confident that you will even have joyful moments and find yourself full of gratitude for your sobriety. And always remember, things will change and get easier as your body and brain adjust to your new way of living.