Nowcovery Principle Seven
“Acceptance of our emotional state is extremely important. We cannot afford to berate ourselves for our emotions.”
Acceptance of our emotional state without judgment is the goal. When we shame or berate ourselves for our emotions it is unhelpful, damaging, and self-abusive. This will not result in anything positive for us. Treating ourselves carefully and lovingly while exploring our emotions is the best plan for choosing behaviors that will create lasting sobriety, serenity, and sanity.
When people have difficulty accepting their emotions, they often repress them. This may mean people will not necessarily know what they are feeling, but they might notice a general mood shift. “I was feeling ‘good’ but now I feel ‘bad’. After becoming aware of a change in mood from “good” to “bad”, we should stop the labeling and judgment and instead get curious about what caused the mood shift. If we don’t take the time to reflect on or challenge our emotions, we might decide to drink or use other drugs to cover them up. Alcoholics Anonymous teaches that guilt, remorse, shame, anger, and fear are all emotions to carefully deal with so we don’t relapse over them. Our old way may have been to drink or use other drugs to manage or numb emotions but in sobriety, we can learn new skills to better deal with our feelings.
Acceptance of our emotions does not mean that we don’t challenge our emotions. We are much more capable of challenging our emotions when we don’t judge them as good or bad. Feelings just ARE. Feelings are messengers alerting us that something has happened to us. Remaining neutral by observing our emotions and getting curious about them is a better approach than judging them. We can ask ourselves questions about our emotions. The questions below can help gain clarity.
· “What just happened (what was the trigger/event that caused a mood shift)?”
· “Am I feeling physically injured? Emotionally injured? Not injured at all?”
· “Were there people involved in this feeling developing?”
· “Did I overhear a conversation, or was I part of a conversation that caused a mood shift?”
· “Did an environmental trigger just occur, such as a smell, sound, or sight?”
· “If I had to label my emotion, what would it be? Happy, sad, angry, fearful, or variations of?”
· “What physical action do I feel like I want to take? Running away? Yelling? Laughing? Crying? Something else?”
· Is there a story or narrative I am telling myself about this mood shift? (For example, if my mood shifted from “good” to “bad” after visiting with my extended family, am I telling myself “Everyone there treated me like I am a terrible person.” Or “my family thinks they are better than me.”) Asking ourselves to look for evidence that the story we are telling ourselves is true is the next step. This can be an in-depth process which we will explore more about in a later blog.
People may be so detached from their feelings that they don’t recognize them until their emotions are at an extreme or explosive level. Generally, feelings don’t go from zero to out of control without cues. Paying attention to physical sensations can be your first clue that something has changed for you emotionally. Do you suddenly feel flushed? Is your heart racing? Is there a pit in your stomach or throat? Maybe you feel a tightening in your shoulders or back? Are you suddenly clenching your fists? Are there tears in your eyes? These can all be signals that your emotions are getting elevated.
If we don’t tune in to the signals our body is giving us that our emotions are on the rise, we might behave in a way that damages our lives, bodies, or relationships. For example, suppose we are having a conversation with our spouse about something that is bothering us. Our body may start to give signals that we are getting angry, like the ones listed above. We should take note of these cues and take action to relieve those cues. Often, just being aware of them is helpful enough to bring them down a notch. Or we may need to take time out to calm down before we come back to the issue at hand.
Sometimes people have become so unwilling to deal with emotions that they deny they have any needs or expectations from life or people. If we have become needless, it’s much easier for us to pretend we aren’t hurt, angry, or fearful. The problem with this is that it means we must stay in denial of both our feelings and our needs. Denial makes us sick physically, mentally, and spiritually. Being needless means we are giving up the things that could truly make us happy. Being needless also leads to resentment, and resentments often lead us to use alcohol or other drugs. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states that “Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.”
Your higher power is always available to you 24/7/365 to help you with managing your emotions. You do not ever have to feel alone. Your higher power is there to lend you peace, support, encouragement, courage, strength, and most importantly, loving acceptance.
We don’t have to be afraid of our feelings. With practice we can learn to accept our emotions, safely challenge our emotions, and behave in ways that will help us create the lives for ourselves that we want. We can build the trust in ourselves that we need to know we can take care of our feelings and ourselves in a supportive and loving way. If you are struggling to manage your emotions safely, please reach out for help from a trusted counselor, friend, pastor or priest, or doctor. And in cases where you don’t feel you are safely able to stabilize, please do not hesitate to call 911 or go to the emergency room. There is NO shame in asking for help as you are learning to navigate feelings in sobriety.