Do I Have To Quit Drinking Too?
I get this question from so many friends and family members of someone who has a drinking or other drug problem. “Why do I have to quit when they are the ones with the problem?” “I shouldn’t have to let go of alcohol; I am not the one that loses control.” And they very well may not have a drinking or other drug problem, but that doesn’t change my answer to them. My answer is yes, you do need to quit drinking or using drugs too when you are with your addicted loved one.
When you are asking someone to quit drinking or to give up other substances and you keep drinking or using yourself, you are losing all credibility with your loved one. I am sorry if this upsets you. I am sorry if you don’t want to give up your wine at night, or your marijuana on the weekends. I think one question that is very helpful to ask yourself is “Why don’t I want to give up my drug of choice” (and yes, alcohol is a drug).
Here are some of the reasons I have been told people don’t want let go of their alcohol or other drugs:
1. I need it to relax after my stressful day.
2. I love to have fun with my friends and have some drinks or smoke a little pot.
3. It’s part of who I am.
For the above reasons, you must find other ways to relax after your stressful day. You must also learn to have fun with your family and friends without alcohol or drugs. Afterall, this is what you are expecting your loved one to do. If you can’t do it, and you aren’t addicted, how would you expect your addicted love one to do it? They need YOU to be an example that it can be done!
4. I have never been in trouble over my drinking or drug use so it’s not a problem.
5. My loved one is addicted to heroin, not alcohol (or marijuana, cocaine, ecstasy, meth, or whatever other drug the person is using)
6. I can have just one or two and it doesn’t turn into anything ugly.
I understand that all of these things might be true. However, to the person you are begging to stop using or drinking, none of these things matter. What matters to them is that you are doing something you are asking them to stop doing. It’s the old “do as I say, not as I do’.
If someone was dying from drowning, would you jump in the pool and swim around while they sink to the bottom saying, “bummer you can’t swim, but I can!”? Of course not! You would pull them out of the pool, and away from the water. So why would you use substances when you know that your loved one is dying from the disease of addiction? And if they aren’t yet dying, they certainly are having one hell of a bad time.
Maybe you don’t use the substance that they are addicted to so you don’t think it using other substances would be a trigger for them. Trust me, IT IS! Because what they are really addicted to isn’t necessarily the substance, it’s the escape, the ecstatic feeling, the rush. So, when they see you using a substance that can create that rush, it’s a huge trigger for them. And a trigger starts a craving, and the addicted brains cravings are much worse than any craving a non-addicted person can literally ever have. Cravings are why people relapse. Do you want to aid in the relapse of your loved one?
Often, the addicted person will say “please don’t feel like you have to stop just because I have a problem. I want you to go ahead and enjoy yourself”. This is something they say for one of two reasons.
1. Inexperience with the trigger/craving phenomena. Plain and simple they just don’t realize what they are setting themselves up for.
2. They are planning to relapse and know that if you use, it gives them an excuse or the freedom to use too.
So while I don’t mean to be harsh, I do mean to be very direct with this issue because it just kills me when I see someone trying so hard to stay sober while their friends or family use around them. From the years I have spent with addicted people, I know for certain that they want their families to understand what they are going through. I hope this helps them to get that.
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